Sunday, April 4, 2010

a SicKNeSs

I am sick. I suffer from the Grass-is-always-greener-elsewhere Syndrome, otherwise known as the Disease-of-perpetual-discontent. It leaves me exhausted, with its attendant symptoms of self-doubt and second-guessing. It robs me of joy in my life, for I am unable to feel happy or satisfied with whatever situation I am in. It messes with my head, compelled to calculate the hundred permutations of “what if”.

The way I see it, there might very well be both physical as well as psychological causes. I suspect I must have been born with a defective gene that is extremely susceptible to random jealousy and greed. Despite years of patient nurturing, contentment is a concept that seems difficult to integrate into my system. It doesn’t help either, that I have an overactive imagination. My mind needs to explore all the different possibilities, unable to focus on following through with the choice that is just made.

I don’t think there is a cure-all. But I suspect it’s one of those ailments that given enough time, one will just learn to cope with it. So we take it day by day.

For self-awareness is the first step towards self-improvement.

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