Friday, October 30, 2009

My fRiEnd

Once, an Elder told me he made a decision to be my friend. He said this friendship wasn't based on my behavior or how I acted; he said the friendship was based on his decision. He decided to be my friend. This friendship has happened like he said. Even if I don't see him for a long time, or if I get mad at him, he has never changed his decision.

This is true friendship.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Monday, October 26, 2009


“Don’t come near me,” I said.
“Why not?” he asked.
“Just because,” I faltered.

Because I’ve tried so long to forget you.
Because I’ve tried so hard to forgive you.
Because you bring along storms I cannot weather.
Because you leave behind destruction I cannot face.

“So don’t,” I said, “don’t come near me. Because it’s so much easier to sit down and wait to be picked up in your embrace.”

Sunday, October 25, 2009


I've discovered, there's no graceful way to sneeze.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

MeaNiNG & LifE

I’ve been pondering a lot about life. And the meaning of life. For some reason, it is extremely important to me that I figure it out. To what end, I am unsure, except that there is always this nagging inside my head.

And I’ve been puzzling over this: whether I give meaning to the things that I do, or whether the things I do give meaning to my life?

Friday, October 23, 2009


It was not an easy decision to give up my market research career to pursue speech therapy. Especially when it’s the transition period now and things are still in a flux. As I hear my friends talk about the market research industry, I sometimes feel very out-of-place. It is not without a tinge of sadness that I recall the last 9 years of my life, my glories and my failures in the market research world.

Yet a decision has been made, and I have been told it’s better to look forward than backward. So also I wait with bated breath for the results of my grad school applications.

It’s just that the grass always looks greener on the other side.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I bought lottery the other day. $14 worth of lottery. I wanted a shot at becoming a millionaire.

It was an interesting experience buying the lottery ticket. First, I discovered that there are many different types of lottery that one can buy. Then there are multiple permutations of different number combinations you can buy. And of course, different monetary values you can win.

What really caught my eye, though, were the people queuing to buy lottery. The quiet determination with which they filled out the tickets, the self-satisfaction that lined their faces as they paid. As if each of them was privy to the special combination of numbers that would win them the top prize.

Unfortunately, I didn’t win anything.

But who can deny, we all hope to get a piece of heaven.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


It’s been a couple of weeks since I submitted my application to Sydney University, but I haven’t heard from them yet. I should not be panicking, because results will only be out end November. Yet it is difficult to curb my anxiety (and my impatience).

When you’re waiting for something, your world sort of gets turned upside down. It’s difficult to focus on things right at hand, as at the back of your mind, you are perpetually fretting about this one thing. And this one thing occupies your imagination for better or for worse. Like a kind of learned helplessness. While you wait.

Waiting, at eternity’s gate.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


I haven’t lain down on the grass and looked at the sky in a long time. In fact, I can’t even remember when was the last time I did that – tracing clouds with my fingers and making up stories in my head.

In my quest for human perfection, which is an oxymoron in itself, I might have forgotten how to enjoy some of the simpler pleasures of life. Like greeting a neighbour in the lift. Or playing with children. Or reading a good book. Or laughing with friends.

It’s very easy, really.


One of the highlights of applying to graduate school in the US has to be the Graduate Record Examination.

Preparing for the GRE is turning out to be a lot more stressful than I originally thought. There are word lists to memorise, math theorems to remember, issues to be analysed, essays to be written. My mind is tumbling over from just thinking about it.

So I bought a prep book the other day. A thick fat volume with model tests and practice exercises. And tips that promise to help me ace my exam.

I look at the questions and my mind draws a blank.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

ThE bLueS

Come this time of year, I tend to be a bit more pensive/ philosophical/ thoughtful/ reflective. I brood more, and my already melancholic self thrives. Every cloud seems to have lost its silver lining, every rainbow missing the seven pots of gold. And I feel a bit disjointed from reality.

I call it my October blues.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


I’ve been dogged by this extreme feeling of tiredness for some time now. I fall asleep everywhere! On the train, while I’m reading, even when I’m working at my laptop. It’s bizarre. I haven’t felt so tired in a very long while. And it’s not like I’m doing hard labour all day, every day. It’s just very weird.

I wonder what’s wrong.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


There are many things to prepare in applying to graduate school, not the least of which is writing my personal goal statements. The questions always revolve around why I want to study speech therapy and what distinguishes me from the other candidates. Either of which can risk sounding really banal, or over-the-top.

When all I want to do is to help people.

I feel called in this way.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


This feeling disorientates me. It covers over my world like a soft spider-web. I feel like I’m hovering between the worlds of the sleeping and the wakeful. Struggling to peel myself away from sleep. Yet failing in the very attempt to try to waken.

Disorientation begets creative thinking.

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Sometimes, I look at the achievements of others, and I feel a tinge of sadness. Sadness that I am unable to reach where they are able to go. At these times, the world seems so big it is almost scary. Talent in all shape and form exists. So where does that leave me?

I have often wondered about the value of my life, and the role of my being within the greater world out there. I have also often wondered whether the world runs on purely utilitarian principles as I imagine it to. That the worth of a person is measured by how much – how well – he can contribute to society.

And I am sadly reminded of how little I possess by way of aptitude or skill. For what can I give to make the world a better place? Nothing, really.

It is at this juncture that I am overwhelmed.

Friday, October 9, 2009


I collected several pieces of paper the other day
They hold great significance except I cannot say

For they give me back to me
And they set me free

So here I am the only one
And the deed is done


... 最近有點心酸

Thursday, October 8, 2009


I think what I like about growing up is the fact that I get to enjoy a whole plethora of different experiences. Be they happy or sad, sane or mad, good or bad, these experiences have shaped me into the person I am today. Their very essence flows in me, my streams of consciousness. And I am grateful for the lessons I have learnt along the way.

But that also means that I am no longer the little girl who looks at the world with wide-eyed wonder.

Few things, if any, surprise me these days.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

TeRmiNaL iLLneSs

"Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived."

(Anna Quindlen)

Monday, October 5, 2009


I think there are two kinds of people in this world. The happy people and the sad people.

Happy people look at the cloudy sky and think, “It’s going to rain today!”

Sad people look at the cloudy sky and think, “It’s going to rain today.”

I look at the cloudy sky and think, “Stop thinking in exclamation marks! It’s tiring.”

Sunday, October 4, 2009


Somewhere along the way, I lost a lot of confidence, in myself. Take this current madness of applying to graduate schools. Back when I was younger, I usually had one choice of school that I knew would take me in, so I never had to worry about Plan Bs and back-up strategies. Right now, I’m not so sure anymore. I feel a little like a headless chicken applying to multiple schools and then second-guessing whether I’ll get accepted, whether to apply to more schools. Life no longer operates with the certainty it once did.

I might fail and I need to be prepared for that eventuality.

Saturday, October 3, 2009


I carry a burden you do not know
It’s so heavy I’m surprised it doesn’t show
My shoulders are squared against the blow

I think of you often and a day
Why is it so difficult to make you stay
My memories of you are starting to fade and fray

As the world goes round and round
I sit in silence awed by the sound
Of a quiet vacuum that knows no bounds

I lost me when I lost you

Friday, October 2, 2009


Sleep has been difficult these days.

I dream of the most horrible things happening and then I wake up.

PoiNT oF vIeW

In the shower the other day, I had momentary flashbacks of certain key points in my life. And it was then I suddenly realised, that I have known Mr. D for a very long time. None of us remembers how or why, except that he seemed to have been there from the beginning.

Mr. D took a lot from me, out of me. I think a big part of me was naturally inclined to giving in to him. Like I owe it to him. While a small part of me was fighting back. Trying to regain what I had lost.

Give me back my point of view.