Saturday, January 31, 2009


Money has been something I’ve always taken for granted. It wasn’t something I craved or paid much attention to. I had no lack of money growing up. Not that my family was filthy rich, but we got by comfortably.

So it comes as a bit of a surprise to me now, that I am feeling, in a very acute sense, the lack of money. And more surprisingly, what this lack of money limits me from doing.

Poverty is a concept I thought I understood. But I realise now, my understanding probably only scratches the tip of the iceberg. Because life, for some reason, in this world we made for ourselves, cannot go on without money. And that, is a very sad thing indeed.

That our human potential is somehow restricted by how much we have in our bank account. I look at my friends around me, and I feel a sense of envy and jealousy at those who can afford life’s luxuries, like travelling or buying a new car. And although a part of me wishes I can spend to my heart’s desire, I remind myself that I only have $63.42 in my bank account, and a $2,500 credit card bill outstanding.

Being poor, has certainly taken on a whole new meaning, for me.

Friday, January 30, 2009

You = cHAnGe?

"You're always you, and that don't change, and you're always changing, and there's nothing you can do about it."

(from The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman)

Thursday, January 29, 2009


Tomorrow will be a better day. Will it?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009







Sunday, January 25, 2009

hE WisHes FOr tHe CLoTHs Of hEavEn

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread upon my dreams.

(from He Wishes For the Cloths of Heaven by W.B.Yeats)

Saturday, January 24, 2009

RigHt or wRoNG

They keep coming back. Relentlessly. Sometimes soon after. Sometimes not in a long long while. Yet they keep coming back. Like she said they would.

She had warned me to be careful. But I didn’t want to heed her well-intentioned advice. Because I thought I knew better. I thought I knew better than her.

It is not that she is always right and that I am always wrong.

I hope.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


I am sitting here by the window this morning, accompanied by the sun rising. I like this early dawn hour. I like how the birds chirp noisily. I like how the air smells so crisp. I like how everything feels shiny and new.

In an instant though, transformation takes place. The birds are fighting, people wake up, the drear of the day sets in.

Just now. A few stolen moments. Of peace.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

GoD'S wiLL

I’ve heard my fair share of horror stories over the years. Real life horror stories, I mean. About husbands cheating on their wives. About parents abusing their children. About friends betraying friends. About pain and heartaches, about nightmares and awakening, about giving up.

Most things in life we can’t control. Those that we can control, sometimes, are thwarted by people around us. Why do some people fall down so much more than others? Why are some people able to fall and stand up time and again? Don’t they get tired?

It is God’s will, they say.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles."

(Charles Chaplin)

It cOSt MaNy LIvEs

What price, freedom?

Monday, January 19, 2009


It’s my 3rd week into work, and although I cannot say that I am loving it, neither can I say that I am not not enjoying it. Trawling through old news can prove to be very sobering. Especially when I am reminded of where I was and what I was doing at that point in time.

Reminiscing about the past is a (bad) habit of mine. When it stops me from going on. Perhaps I am an escapist. I like to hide in the old and the familiar. It feels safer there. Yet time marches on.

You cannot fight the graying of the skies.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

saYInG GooDByE

There is something about saying goodbyes that I never get used to, no matter how many times I’ve done it, with however many people I’ve said goodbye to. And it doesn’t matter whether the goodbye is forever or short-lived, they are equally difficult. Neither does it get any easier if I said the goodbye to you or you or another. At least I got to say goodbye.

Concentrate on the people around you.

Friday, January 16, 2009

iN & OUt

It is interesting. How some people can be comfortable sharing their pain in the open. While some people can only bear their struggles in solitude. I have often been fascinated with the idea that we have a public and a private self. That one does not preclude the other. That we rage within ourselves, yet lead lives of seeming placidity.

That we long for that which we cannot have.


Is it always a tussle between being good, or bad?
Always a fight between being selfish, or selfless?
Always a struggle between being free, or stuck?
Always a fear between dying, or living?

What’s happening?

Thursday, January 15, 2009


"A self that is only differentiated - not integrated - may attain great individual accomplishments, but risks being mired in self-centered egotism. By the same token, a person whose self is based exclusively on integration will be well connected and secure, but lack autonomous individuality. Only when a person invests equal amounts of psychic energy in these two processes and avoids both selfishness and conformity is the self likely to reflect complexity."

(from Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi)

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


Adipocere. What a strange word that popped into my mind today.

Monday, January 12, 2009

sHe & hER FriENds

It had been a long while since she heard from her friends. And she was careful not to let it be known that she missed them. She was too proud for that. She was too careful to allow that to happen.

Sometimes, she wonders, whether real friendships had developed from her brushes with them. Or whether she was prey again to her imaginings.

And it struck me, how we all yearn for human connection.

Saturday, January 10, 2009


Don't listen to your feelings. Feelings lie.

Friday, January 9, 2009

FoLLow YoUR hEarT

Between the devil and the deep blue sea, I chose to follow my heart. Decisions can be really difficult. Especially when they have to be mutually exclusive. Where no amount of head-banging can turn things round. And all you have to go by is yourself.

I made an important, life-changing decision once. It changed my life. For better or for worse I don’t know. And now, I neither have the courage nor the strength to make another important, life-changing decision again.

The devil caught me, and I fell into the deep blue sea.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

giVInG Up

This is why I gave up.

You couldn’t love me the way I thought love should be.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009


I have recently been obsessed with the notion of reasons.

The reason for this.
The reason for that.
The reason for the other.
The reason why.

Do you find reasons for living in yourself or in others?

Monday, January 5, 2009


I am not finished loving you.

Sunday, January 4, 2009


The noisy bird with fierce-yellow beady eyes is back. I wonder if it is true. I wonder if what he is saying is true. With a kind of harried urgency, he becks and he calls. And his roost of feathered friends flutter around. In the cacophony, I seem to hear him say,

“Now is the time to ponder the meaning of life.”

Friday, January 2, 2009


Against the backdrop of a grey sky, the men are working on the rooftop antennas. It is a harrowing experience, for me, watching them. As the wind whips through my hair, I hold my breath, praying silently, that they won’t fall off. And I think of all these people who put their lives at risk in the line of work every day. Where one wrong step could mean the end, for them, and maybe for their families.

What is your life worth?