Thursday, August 28, 2008

fEeLIng OlD

I miss that. I miss the wide-eyed wonder I used to feel in my job. I miss the passion with which I would rush home to tell stories of work. I miss the human companionship of colleagues. I miss having a goal that I resolutely believed in. I miss all of that. And more.

Taking time off from work has given me a lot of time to think. Somewhere, somehow, work lost the spark it once held for me. Or rather, I lost faith. It is sobering, after 8 years of working, to question where I am now compared to where I was 8 years ago. What have I gained? What have I lost? Am I stuck in some kind of quarter-career crisis?

I want that back. I want to feel for my job. I want to help people. I want to be able to defend the values that are inherent in my job. I want to be able to look back 8 years from now and feel I have gained more than I have lost.

The struggle is always, am I willing to give up what I have built up over the last 8 years (knowledge, recognition, status, money) and trade that for something else? What if this something else is my true calling, would I be able to give up the potential monies I could have earned to start from scratch again? What if this something else is what I resolutely believe in, would I have the patience and energy to go back to the basics again? What if this something else disappoints me 8 years later, will I still have the strength to stand up again?

Suddenly, I am reminded of how old I am.

No comments: