CaTS

The cat is sitting on a ledge on the 11th floor of the building. While it looks around curiously, I am watching it with eagle eyes, praying that she doesn’t lose her balance and fall off.

That is how I am with a lot of things in life. I am a worry-wart. Whatever is happening around me, I always think of the worst of the situation. And I do that almost unconsciously, like a reflex.

I can’t be sure but I think such a state of mind has robbed me of a lot of spontaneity in life. It undermines a lot of my experiences of the world.

I always think cats can teach us important lessons.
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tHE saMe

We share the same birth month. I don’t know why but it makes me happy to know that. Another one of these coincidences I like to call serendipity.

Sometimes I wonder if I am reading too much into things. Noticing signs and patterns and believing that they are the work of divine intervention.

It’s silly when I think about it. Like I am all of 16 and having a high-school crush again.

A mirage. Except that it isn’t.
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The PaCiFisT iN Me

I consider myself a pacifist. I don’t like to stir up trouble. When the majority decides on a particular matter, I tend to go along with it, even when I might not agree with it wholeheartedly. Not that I don’t have my own opinions about things, or am unable to hold my own against the world, but I just don’t like to create unnecessary conflict if it can be helped.

However, recently, I find myself slowly losing patience and tolerance for some of the things that my friends are doing. Increasingly, I am finding it difficult to act nonchalant about some of the decisions that they make. Not that they are into organized crime or anything like that, but it bothers me that they say one thing and do something else.

I can only close my eyes for this long, before I have to open them again.
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FoRgiVEneSs

Bearing grudges, as they have told me, is not healthy. Hate brings with it deep psychological and even physical trauma. Forgiving, as they have told me, is good. One needs to let go of the hurt in order to move on.

I have often wondered, though, what forgiveness means. Does the act of saying “I forgive you” do it? Does it mean you have forgiven when you no longer feel the hurt inside? Does time really make things better?

I no longer know how or why.
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mY LifE sO FaR

There are two people I credit with saving my life. And I mean this in the most literal sense. They grabbed hold of my hand, and yanked me out from the dark hole of despair. At a time when I had given up, they did not.

There are three people I credit with giving me life. And I mean this with the utmost sincerity. They stood by me, and refused to take no for an answer. At a time when I did not want to give up, neither did they.

There are a number of people I credit with enriching my life. And I mean this from the bottom of my heart. They encouraged me, supported me, and most importantly trusted me. At a time when I needed it, we laughed together.

I owe too many people too many favours.
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DrEamS & NigHtMaRes

I can remember the day in excruciating detail. From the time I woke up with a sense of calm anticipation, to the time I went to bed with a sense of quiet resignation. There was never a moment of doubt or hesitation. For that day was in many ways the culmination of all my years of dreaming and fantasizing.

I don’t remember being exceptionally happy that day. Nor was I terribly upset. I was, in a sense, beyond feeling. And perhaps that, was what pulled me through. The floating sense of being there and yet not there. A dreamscape.

Now, it just feels like a nightmare.
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reFLeCtioNs

It is eventide and the birds are chirping their last songs before darkness comes. Everywhere, people are hurrying home. You can hear mothers calling for their kids in the playground. As I sit here, wondering, and watching the world go by.

I once used to be part of this after-work hubbub. Contending with tens of thousands of people to get home. But I guess I am lucky in the sense that I have been able to walk away from all of that. Except that I sometimes miss dressing in my power suit and strutting my way downtown.

Still, I don’t think I miss work.
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cLimbiNG sTaiRs

In my desperate bid to lose some weight, any weight, I have recently taken to climbing stairs as part of my exercise routine. It’s like a drill, going from the first floor to the twelfth floor, again and again and again. Like swimming, the inane repetition is strangely therapeutic.

I work on my fractions when I am climbing the stairs. Every three rounds make a fifth if I am doing 15 laps. Or every four rounds make a quarter if I am doing 16 laps. Or every nine rounds make a half if I am doing 18 laps. And so it goes.

The trick is, I don’t look back. Or at least, I try not to.
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LifE

"The thing about life is one day you’ll be dead."

(David Shields)
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LucK

I have been mulling over the concept of The One – The One person who is supposedly your friend and soul-mate and lover and companion and all things complementary to you.

For a long while, I took this to be the gospel truth. That somewhere out there is The One for me. And truth be told, I had my eyes locked on The One for quite some time. Long before The One even noticed my presence, I think.

The flaw in the logic of The One is that it narrows your field of vision. And it limits your interactions with people. But most critically, it places too much responsibility on The One. For how many of us can find a friend and a soul-mate and a lover and a companion all in the same person?

Or maybe, it’s just my luck.
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mOck EXam

So I took a mock “exam” this morning for the GRE. And I did horribly. Apart from a bruised ego, there is also the realization that I need to study. A lot more.

Problem is, my brain is getting rusty. I can almost hear it cranking up with effort when I am doing the sums. And that, is not good.

What I thought I knew, I don’t know. What I do not know, I still don’t know.
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pARadoX

It has taken me all of 32 years to figure out that I am the same as everyone else, and yet different.

That we are not so different from one another to escape trials and tribulations in our lives. We all suffer. That we possess unique skills and talents with which to conquer the world. We can all shine.

While it may not be a liberating insight in itself, it is an interesting paradox to consider.

Everybody is a snowflake.
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PeRHapS

I have been thinking.

I try so hard, yet it always seems as if I haven’t tried hard enough.

Perhaps, there is no lesson to be learnt.
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