a dEliRiuM mOMenT

(this is me)

sLoW Or FaST?

The early bird gets the worm.

Yet, slow and steady wins the race.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

Take time to stop and smell the flowers.

My friends said I should do my sit-ups and lift my dumbbells slowly to get the best results. Like that, you can feel every fibre of your muscle being used. So I tried it, and I got tired much faster than before. Which is a good thing, I suppose, knowing that my muscles are working harder in a shorter time than before. Psychological consolation.

And slowly, I lifted my head up high, and saw the most brilliant full moon in the sky, with a double halo over it. Bet you didn't notice that, did you?

tHe fiRsT DaY

I wish I could remember the first day,
First hour, first moment of your meeting me;
If bright or dim the season it might be;
Summer or Winter for aught I can say.
So, unrecorded did it slip away,
So blind was I to see and to foresee,
So dull to mark the budding of my tree
That would not blossom, yet, for many a May.

If only I could recollect it! Such
A day of days! I let it come and go
As traceless as a thaw of bygone snow.
It seemed to mean so little, meant so much!
If only now I could recall that touch,
First touch of hand in hand! --
Did one but know!

(by Christina Rossetti)

i MisS...

I miss holding your hands.

I miss hugging you.

I miss you draping your arms around my waist.

I miss leaning my head against your shoulders.

I miss you gently kissing the top of my head.

I miss your touch.

I miss you. And it hurts.

So do me a favour: Don't love me.

TiMe'S uP

Remind me not to attempt jogging again at 4pm in blazing tropical heat.

It took me twice the time to run half the distance 2 times, which made my face 4 times as red, leaving me 16 times as exhausted and 32 times as dehydrated.

Time's up. Yours? Or mine?

aLL aLoNe

I have a new addition to my family, dEliRiuM2, Roger's distant cousin. And I've been pampering her with 2 outfits and various accessories. So today I bought Roger a new Winnie-the-Pooh outfit, just so that he doesn't feel left out with all the attention I've been showering on dEliRiuM2.

It's easy sometimes to just start taking those around us for granted. And I think a lot of us give our family and friends a lot less credit than they really deserve.

Today, I learnt something sobering. Loneliness can be so... lonely. I watched a man sit in a cafe all alone, with his cup of coffee, reading the newspaper from cover to cover, section through section, story by story, until he finished and walked out, all alone. And that alone-ness terrifies me.

Friend, as you have been to me, I will always be here for you for as long as you need me. So don't be a stranger now!

RuNniNG oUt Of tiMe

...

aS Is A pRoBLeM

As a word, “as” does not really have a meaning by itself.

And this puzzles me. Because if you stare at the word “as” for a very long time, it starts to look completely nonsensical.

Especially if you have to copy hundreds of similes… as white as snow, as dead as a doorknob, as blue as the sky, as cool as a cucumber, as happy as can be, as dark as the night…

“as” is a strange word. Without any counterparts, it seems meaningless. “as” needs to feed off other words before it takes on any meaning.

Like a parasite.

Yet we continue to use it. For as long as we like.

Because, at some deep underlying subconscious Freudian unconscious not-available-to-the-naked-eye level, we are all parasites feeding off one another.

bArGAiNinG 101

Step 1: Zoom in on item that catches your fancy

Step 2: Feign interest in that item, make inane chit-chat with salesperson

Step 3: Handle the item, but do not look desperate, meanwhile still making inane chit-chat with salesperson

Step 4: Ask to try the item, and make mental note of how much you are willing to pay for it

Step 5: Ask for the price, look alarmed, scrutinise the item carefully again, whilst still trying to maintain chit-chat with salesperson by alluding that the item is too expensive

Step 6: Ask for discount... in a pained sort of voice, add in a good dose of laughter to lighten things up

Step 7: If salesperson falters for a moment, go in for the kill and ask for a ridiculously low price

Step 8: If salesperson refuses to budge, immediately let go of item and prepare to walk out of the shop

Step 9: If salesperson wavers, pull out the exact amount you want to pay for that item (avoid situations where you need to break a big note)

Step 10: Always bargain knowing full well that you may not end up with whatever you wanted in the first place

And a master bargainer knows that that is OK, and yet still gets a high from trying to bargain anytime, anywhere, anyway...

jUst juMP

Close your eyes and jump.

Sometimes you tumble awkwardly.

Sometimes you land gracefully.

Sometimes you fall flat on your face.

Sometimes you float with the breeze.

But what matters is that you have tried.

Because no bird soars too high when it soars on its own wings.

tHeN & nOw

Today, I heard a familiar tune from childhood. And it brought a smile to my face, to remember the wild abandon of being a child. The purity of our beliefs, the totality of our trust, the magnitude of our love. Then.

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak but He is strong

Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so

Now. I yearn to be loved too.

LoOK & sEe

You see only because you are looking out for it.

At times, we look without seeing.

Most of the time, we only see what we want to see.

And, what you see is what you get.

They also say, seeing is believing.

But sometimes, you believe, and then you see.

cATs & DoGS

A cat’s tongue is rough. A dog’s tongue is smooth.

A dog likes to be tickled behind the ears. A cat likes to be tickled under the chin.

A cat butts her head against you if she likes you. A dog wags his tail if he likes you.

A dog melts your heart with those sad puppy eyes and his silly grin. A cat tugs at your heartstrings with those big liquid eyes and her plaintive mewing.

They say it rained cats and dogs.

So someone locked the dog in the store, and someone let the cat out of the bag.

LoSt mY MiNd

Dead man walking.
Little boy singing.
Nocturnal awakenings.
Wind whispering.
Me wistfully thinking.

Sometimes, it seems as if my mind has a mind of its own. A mind that I do not own. A mind that is not mine.

To lose your mind is a terrible thing. To know you are losing your mind is even worse.

tAkiNg fLiGhT

I sat on a big rock under a big tree in the big field near my house after my big jog today. Tried to tempt a stray mutt with my sweetest voice but she wouldn’t budge. So I spent my time investigating the terrain. Part of the field is muddy, part of the field is red clay, part of the field is overgrown with long grass, part of the field is bare.

Then I played with Tyger (a fat stray cat) and Ash (another fatter stray cat), until some kind soul came by to give them their evening feed.

And I realized, how much I love being out in the open.

Like there comes a moment in your jogging when there is nothing else in the world but just you, completely, totally, absolutely, focused, on the jogging. Lost, in the moment.

And I felt like I could jog forever, and perhaps even fly.

sNaKEs aNd LaDdeRs

I had a bet with Mr. D the other day.

It was a partly spur-of-the-moment decision, as well as some devil-may-care plotting.

You know like how you kind of know something is right or wrong by this feeling in your guts? And I took the gamble.

Throw the dice. One turn to climb up the ladders, another to slide down the snakes. And you throw the dice again, and again, and again, and again. Why does it always seem that there are too many snakes and not enough ladders?

The stakes were high. Your life, or mine?

And I want to tell Mr. D. No. Stop. Go away.

SeRenDiPiTy

Serendipity. I like this word. It rolls off the tongue beautifully. Almost as if you can put a rhythm to it. Serendipity.

Serendipity is mysterious. And she sounds so much better than chance.

Serendipity is magical. A sprinkle of stardust and rainbow twirls.

Serendipity is manna. A measured gift from heaven.

Serendipity is mesmerising. She makes you dizzy with delight.

Serendipity only reveals herself to those who are looking for her.

I am a pilgrim in search of serendipity. Come join me.

iN tHe cLoSeT

“What do you see in the closet?”

Scraps of my memories. Pieces of my self. Secrets of my soul. Dangling skeletons.

Scattered in disarray. Hidden from view. Heaped in confusion. Gasping for air.

Safe in the darkness. Guarded by the shadows. Many weapons. Many wounds.

Coming out is frightening. My addiction runs too deep.

In the closet, no one sees me. In the closet, I can just be. In the closet, I am me.

I am such a closet addict. Someday, they are going to come for me, strap me down, and straitjacket me in to Closet Anonymous.

She said I should go cold turkey. Isn’t that horrible?

tRuiSMs

It is so true what they say.

That what doesn’t break you makes you. We break, and the part that heals is sometimes stronger than it was.

That you learn the most important lessons of your life through the hardest of trials. Our weaknesses are the gateway to our strengths.

That the depth of darkness to which you descend and still live is a measure of the height to which you can aspire to reach. We can emerge as heroes.

I no longer laugh at people who fall down. Sometimes it is really difficult to stand up again.

I know. I fell. Yet life goes on.

So just walk, even if it kills you. Because, what else is there?

NiGHt

I love the night. I love the darkness, the stillness, the silence.

I am a night person. The night excites me, tempts me, inspires me.

Long ago in another lifetime, I used to drive out onto the highway, lie down in the middle of the road, and stare up into the night sky. And I would feel consoled by the night.

I love the night. When life takes her rest. When the bustle of the day settles into a comfortable slumber. When the sharp edges of the day melt into soft silhouettes.

I am a creature of the night. The night embraces me, calms me, protects me.

In the night, everything looks kinder. And I love the night.

Until Mr. D came, and took all of that away.

The mind remembers what the body tries to forget.

...

Too busy with living
Too little time
Too many things to do
Too many people to see
Too many places to go to
Too tired to go on
Too keen to explore
Too much to take in
Too many lessons
Too hard to learn
Too much life

Too little... Too late...

dO yOu...

Do you brush your teeth first or wash your face first?
Do you soap your body first or shampoo your hair first?
Do you close your eyes when brushing your teeth?
Do you wear your right shoe first or your left shoe first?
Do you sit up in bed first when you wake up or just roll off the bed?
Do you kneel on your left knee first or your right knee first?
Do you button your clothes from top-down or bottom-up?
Do you put your right foot or left foot forward when you take your first step of the day?

Do you wonder?
Do you notice?
Do you think?

Do you dream in colour or do you dream in black-and-white?

gRoWiNG uP

She said, “Old people take to it better.”

I defended, “But I’m not old!”

She smiled at me.

And I realise, I’m not that young either.

Straddling between being just a young adult to becoming a real grown up.

10 numbers re-arranged in many different ways. Logical permutations no one escapes from. Age.

I have always wondered about people who are born on the 29th February.

“When will I grow up?”

“There is no when. You will know when you grow up.”

hiDe-aNd-SeEK

I can’t remember if I played hide-and-seek when I was little. I remember reading about it in storybooks. I also remember watching people play the game on TV. Yet I can’t recall if I have ever played hide-and-seek with anyone. I can’t even think where I would have hidden, or be seeking, for that matter.

But I am sure I played peek-a-boo with my sister when she was a baby. I’ll cover my eyes with her little pillow then suddenly whisk it away with a loud BOO! And that always made her laugh.

Close your eyes and all will be fine. What you cannot see cannot hurt you. Our eyelids have become the shield that protects us from the horrors of the world.

When the autopsy scene on CSI is too bloody, shut our eyes for a second and it’ll be over, Grissom will soon be poring over his encyclopedias. When Sadako climbs out of the television screen, we desperately peep through our blankets, not wanting to miss the scariest moment of The Ring.

The safety of being hidden, not being seen.

The comfort of the darkness, not having to see.

I’m hiding now. Come find me.

MY

She’s tough.

She’s opinionated.

She challenges.

She confronts the problems head on. It’s a little scary sometimes.

She scrutinizes.

She said to stop and get on with life. How do I do that?


TWY

She’s gentler.

She’s supportive.

She reasons.

She writes down what I say. It’s comforting to see.

She makes me feel safe.

She celebrates each day as a victory. Should I cheer?

cUTs

I cut the thread

So fine, so thin, so red

Many threads

Many regrets

Voices outside my head

I cut to win

So red, so fine, so thin

Must win

Mustn’t give in

Life is not my sin

I cut a line

So thin, so red, so fine

Many lines

Many times

To claim the pain as mine