fRieNd!

I have missed you.  So much.  So very much.  I think of you often.  And wonder what you are doing.  How you are doing.

There is so much of you I remember.  So much of us.  Memories.  They are not kind.  Yet I hold on to them.  So desperately.  So frantically.  Because you held me up.  Because you held me together.  Because you kept me safe.

Friend, I miss you so much it hurts.

.

iT

came back.

Not with a whimper but with a bang.
.

gO ELeGantLy

"It is tasteless to prolong life artificially.  I have done my share, it is time to go.  I will do it elegantly."

(Albert Einstein)
.

fOLLoW

the moment of bliss...

From whence to where I do not know.

Except that words are easier said than actions done.
.

rOugHnESs

has taken on whole new layers of meanings.
.

juSt

breathe...

.

fLoODgatEs

I've been feeling a bit pensive.  Not always a good sign.  Don't get me wrong, I love my random moments of excruciating insight.  But they tend to leave me a little winded, like someone punched me in the stomach, hard.  And I am left with these nuggets of raw emotions – too precious to hold in my hands, too painful to share with someone else.

Too hard to keep the floodgates of memories from opening.

.

hOLiDaYs

Holidays... can be strangely disquieting times.
.

wAsTEd

"This is not something that you just 'get over'.  For the vast majority of people, it is something that will haunt you for the rest of your life.  You may change your behaviors, change your beliefs about yourself and your body, give up that particular way of coping in the world.  You may learn, as I have, that you would rather be a human than a human’s thinning shell.  You may get well.  But you never forget."

(Marya Hornbacher, Wasted)

.

...

They all went away, and I went down.

.

iNExpLiCAbLe

I can’t say how, but that my life has changed.

I have my regrets, my fears.  A past that continues to haunt me, but that I am trying not to let become a burden.

I have my dreams, my hopes.  A future that I really look forward to, and that I am trying not to cower from.

It’s so easy to try and blame someone, or someones, who impacted my life in such dramatic turns.  But I’m learning, it is not so much about pointing fingers as it is about how I react or respond to the situation.

One of my biggest learning is that at the end of the day, this is life.  And life happens.  For whatever tomorrow brings, I can only deal with it to the best of my ability.

And that, is good enough for me.

.

for M

For you, M, I offer my love, my prayers, my hopes, my dreams.  That your love triumphs, that your worries prove unfounded, that you find the happiness you yearn for.  But most importantly, I wish you peace.  The kind of peace that runs deep inside you, that fills you, that gives you true strength to persevere.  The kind of peace that cradles your intuition and brings you rest.

Your forever friend.
.

wORds...

Recently I have found myself in too many situations where words fail me.  Instead I feel a rush of too many complex emotions that I have no names for.  And this unsettles me.  For words have been my way of making sense of the world.  Words have helped me come to terms with life.  And recently, I feel as if I have lost my compass.

I have learned that people here use the phrase “I am sorry” or some such variation during difficult situations.  It took me a long time to figure out that that is actually an expression of sorrow, a way of expressing solidarity and compassion.  Strangely, I find it a difficult phrase to use.  It doesn’t come quite naturally and spontaneously to me.

One would think that with time and life, one would have gone through sufficient experiences to be somewhat prepared for all manner of unexpected situations.  Yet perhaps not.  The pain of someone else’s loss is both profound and awkward.  I hear each story, I look at each person, and I am in awe of their strength and resilience.

Looking up at the stars, under the immensity of the universe, words fail me.

.