NoW

I have been waiting, for a long time coming. Waiting for some word or sign, from you. I anxiously look behind me, wondering if I might have missed it. I nervously peer into the future, wondering if it might be too late.

When I realise, all we have is now.
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bLoOD tEst

I had my blood drawn yesterday to check my liver function. The nurse or lab tech or whoever she was must not be very good.

Today I have three puncture wounds and a very bruised vein!
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LabELLiNg

A little over three years ago, I was given a label. By two very dear friends. I still carry it with me now, and I suspect it’s going to stay around for the long haul. It is not a glamorous or honorary label. Neither is it a derogatory label. It is simple yet dependant on a complex web of the past, more of the past, and yet more of the past. Despite that, it is, in essence, just a label.

If there is anything the label did, it was to bring clarity to a darkly confusing turbulent time. It made the world make a bit more sense. It pulled the rug out from under the shadows lurking, bringing the pair to light. It gave us a clue, to how much damage was done.

While it is not exactly burdensome to be carrying the label, I do sometimes feel the weight of it pressing against my conscience. It seems I have not exactly gotten used to the label and its relationship to me, strange bedfellows are we.

So even as I accept the label I have been given, I will not let the label define who I am.
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i GoT tHis iN my EmaiL...

May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart

May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression and exploitation of people
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace

May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy

May God bless you with foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor
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sKiLLs

There are some skills I don’t remember picking up. Like how to clip the fingernails on my right hand with my left hand (I’m right-handed). Or brushing my teeth in the systematic way that I now brush my teeth (ten counts up, ten counts down for every tooth). Or even typing on the qwerty keyboard. Someone somewhere must have taught me, except that I have no recollection of those lessons.

Then there are some skills I probably won’t ever pick up. Like roller-skating. Or riding a bicycle. Basically, anything that involves me gliding in a near-frictionless environment is just not my cup of tea. This, despite the best efforts of my parents to try to make learning less painful by tying small pillows on my elbows and knees.

Don’t laugh, but I’m trying to fly.
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SepARaTioN anXieTy

If leaving means I won't get to see you ever again, I don't want to go.
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FinALLy

I guess reality has sunk in. Finally. I am going to pursue my studies in Speech Language Pathology. Finally. It has been a good two years since I last applied for the program in a local grad school and was rejected. It has been two years of self-doubt, of second-guessing, of wandering. Two years for my brain to get blunt with age, or perhaps, two years for my brain to grow sharp with experience.

It’s a bit hard to describe my feelings now. Equal parts anticipation and fear, feeling joy and feeling wistful. After fighting for so many years, it’s actually difficult to leave the old and start anew.

They all say, “Take care.”

I will.
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LeaViNG

The older one grows, the tougher it gets to cope with change. All the years of familiar habit and routine get upturned. What kept you safe and comfortable may not keep you safe and comfortable any longer. And you are left with that sense of being lost, being alone.

As I prepare to go away, I am struck by what I have accumulated over the last 10 years. Things. Many things. Big things. Small things. Important things. Irrelevant things. And people. School friends. Work friends. Friends who picked me up along the way. Friends with whom I have developed such a close bond that saying goodbye, even if temporary, chokes me.

Leaving the second time round feels much harder.
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cHaNGe

"You must be the change that you want to see in the world."

(Mahatma Gandhi)
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HeLLo & goOdByE

I had a blast of a reunion with some of my friends last night. We used to work together in the same place, but we’ve since moved on to other things. One of us has gone to the US to further her studies, another has left for China while yet another prepares to go to China, and I’ll be leaving soon.

Social mobility is one of the striking trademarks of our generation. While modern technology has shrunk the world into a global village, it has also managed to pull us further apart than ever before. Leaving home and building a life somewhere else is becoming easier and easier.

Yet sometimes it seems to me like we are forever playing a game of catch. We say hello, only to find that our goodbyes should have been said yesterday. We say goodbye, only to wonder when our next hello will be.

It is interesting how one leaves to come back to watch another leave again.
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sEReNitY PraYeR

God,
Grant me the serenity;
To accept the people I cannot change;
Courage, to change the one I can change;
And wisdom, to know it's me.

(Author unknown)
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WeLcomE hOMe

We settled into an easy conversation, without the need for pedestrian how-are-yous. Two friends, catching up. We haven’t seen each other in a year. So much has changed, and yet so little.

You had your crisis, I had mine. You helped me out when I was stuck. I only hope what little I had to offer back then gave you some measure of comfort too.

Perhaps, we’ve both emerged a little wiser. A little less naïve. A lot more accepting of the imperfections that make us who we are.

It seems fitting, our reunion in the new year. I hope your path of Zen is filled with pleasant surprises, good food, meaningful relationships, and peace. I know you wouldn’t want it any other way.

Friend, I have missed you, and I am glad you are back.
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分手的情書

我的海…是黑色
雲…是黑色
樹…是黑色
花…還是黑色
只有愛情…好像是白色

(陳偉聯)
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