PapER cRAneS

I want to write about my friend again today. I had a dream about her. It’s one of those feel-good dreams. Where you don’t want to wake up. And even if you do, you wake with a smile. And wish the dream would come true. Sometimes you wish you can pick someone up from your dreams and hug them. This is one of those dreams.

I like my friend because she makes me feel comfortable. Comfortable enough to share some of my deepest secrets (not all, because I think we all have dark secrets that only we know, and we keep). Comfortable enough to cry in front of her and not feel weird the next time I see her. I feel safe with her.

I used to make her a paper crane every time I visited. It made her happy. She’ll keep them carefully, in a little bag. And she said that some day we’ll sit down and count them together.

Until one day, it all stopped.
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HaPpy & SAd

While my stubborn melancholic mind likes to play over those deliciously sad times in my life, I cannot also deny that there are many happy moments I’ve experienced. Happy moments that make me smile. Like snippets of conversations with good friends. Or good dreams where I wake with a warm fuzzy feeling. Or good jokes where I laugh till my tummy hurts.

I saw her again today. My friend. She’s probably one of the few people I know who can make me feel sad and happy at the same time. And as far as friendships go, that is a strange feeling.

Cognitively dissonant.
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gRow UP

"Every human being on this earth is born with a tragedy, and it isn't original sin. He's born with the tragedy that he has to grow up. That he has to leave the nest, the security, and go out to do battle. He has to lose everything that is lovely and fight for a new loveliness of his own making, and it's a tragedy. A lot of people don't have the courage to do it."

(Helen Hayes)
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pRObLemS

You are never too old for your own problems.
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eXPeRiEncE

It’s hard to understand the issues that come up in the course of a life cycle unless you’ve lived it yourself.
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MuSIc

I bought a CD the other day, and now I can’t get enough of it. Music moves me in ways that I cannot even begin to understand. Except that I know it has the power to make my heart soar to the highest peaks as well as lurch to the lowest troughs. It gives me goose-bumps, makes me smile, makes me cry. As my friend once said, music can make her want to jump up and dance in the middle of the night. It does that to me too.

They say music is the universal language.

I say music is the language of the heart.
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fLy

Soaring in the sky, the bird reaches for freedom. Sometimes, I look at the birds and think, I’d like to be able to fly too. To feel the rush of wind propelling me, against me. I have always thought that somewhere deep inside, the blood of the voyager lives in me.

And so as I prepare for my US trip, I look forward to that lightness of being. To witness the depths of the Grand Canyon, the heights of the Rocky Mountains, the strength of Niagara Falls. I wait to be inspired by nature.

On the streets the rain goes pitter-patter.
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ThoUGhtS

Sometimes it gets coughed up, like a fur ball. Sometimes it gets swallowed, like unplugging the sink-hole. Sometimes it stays, like a dormant volcano. My thoughts and me, we share a love-hate relationship.

They’re difficult to control. I could be sitting there having a conversation with you and my thoughts could be drifting to a million other things. Even when I’m asleep, my thoughts haunt me, in my dreams.

See, I have this eternal internal self-dialogue. And I often wonder if you do too. This voice, that comments on anything and everything. This voice, that demands you to do things. This voice, that creates a different version of reality.

Like I said, it gets very noisy in there.
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pRaYEr

"If you begin to live life looking for the God that is all around you, every moment becomes a prayer."

(Frank Bianco)
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yiN YoGa

I have recently been very taken with a new form of yoga known as yin yoga. Instead of focusing on achieving different poses quickly and toning muscles in the process, yin yoga is about holding the poses for a long period of time (5 minutes) thereby stretching the ligaments and improving flexibility.

The whole theory behind yin yoga is fascinating, having to do with the Eastern concept of meridians within our bodies. The duality of the yin-yang concept is also very interesting. For example, I learnt today that the lower body is more yin (towards the earth) while the upper body is more yang (towards the heavens). Breathing through the left nostril is yin (feminine) while breathing through the right nostril is yang (masculine).

I love how things balance out in yin yoga. I love holding the poses for a long time, feeling the deep stretch working its way through my body. For it is, to me, as much a mental challenge as it is a physical one. I’m into lesson number 5 and I’m loving it.

Yin yoga – the way to go!
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oLD vs. NEw

My life as I knew it has changed. A change of tectonic proportions. Within the span of a few years I had found a new job, gotten married, quit my job, gotten divorced. I went from being the happiest person on earth to being the saddest person on earth. The joke is on me, I guess.

3 years ago when it happened, I didn’t know whether I would pull through. I wasn’t sure I had the strength to go on. I couldn’t see a future before me. Making the decision to leave someone you love is difficult. Yet some decisions have to be made. For the sanity of all.

Part of my reason for making this long trip to the US is to reclaim what I had lost years and years ago. I don’t want to say I have come full circle, but at least I am no longer taking 2 steps back for every step forward.

Giving up the old. Welcoming the new.
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pLAy

The sounds of children’s laughter fill the day. It is their school break, and the little ones can be found in the playground most of the time. It’s heartening in a way to hear their shrills of joy, and to watch them play.

I am reminded of when I was little. I wasn’t very much involved (interested?) in the playground. Being a prissy little girl, I found the playground rough and difficult to navigate. The potential for falling down and getting dirty was very real. I preferred more docile activities like playing 5-stones and exploring the school grounds trying to look for some mystery to solve. Games like zero-point and the monkey bars scared me.

If I had the chance to do it all over again though, I would run with the wind and climb the highest trees. I would take a few more chances and fall down many more times.

Then perhaps, I wouldn’t have failed my physical fitness test all the years I was in school.
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TraVeLs

So I’ve been planning for a big trip to the US the past few weeks, hence the lapses in updating this blog. First it was getting the travel visa, then getting the air tickets confirmed (I’m still on waitlist for one sector), and now I’m trying to get the schedule done as I’ll be visiting a good number of places. Needless to say, I’m all excited about this 7-week trip to the US! This, is possibly going to be the longest holiday I would have taken in my life.

I actually quite enjoy the process of planning for the trip. With the convenience of the internet, I can sit in the comfort of my own home and do most of my background reading, price comparisons, and even bookings. The plethora of information available is just incredible. Decision-making has been forced to be more complex over time.

Hollywood Boulevard, San Diego Zoo, the Rockies, 5th Avenue, Niagara Falls, here I come!
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i ReaD ThiS QuoTE tODay

Aspire to inspire... before you expire.
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ThE PasSiNg

The winds are so strong that the rain is blowing in horizontal sheets. I just learnt that a friend’s mother passed away over the Christmas period, barely 3 weeks after being diagnosed with leukemia. And as I stare out the window, I am reminded that many years ago, her mother had fixed lunch for us when I visited. It was a very wet and rainy day too.

The sun is so strong that you can cook an egg on a car hood. I just learnt that a friend of a friend passed away this morning suddenly, after being diagnosed with cancer. It seems he had known about it for some time, but didn’t tell people. And as I stare out the window, I am reminded that a couple of years ago, I had had dinner with this friend of a friend. I can’t remember what the weather was like then.

Now all I can do is to mourn the passing of a generation.
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dREamS

Dream. Vision.

Dream. Seeker.
Dream. Weaver.

Dream. Dreamer.

Day. Dream.
Pipe. Dream.

Dream on.
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a MorNiNG jOg

I went for a jog this morning, and although I can’t say it was a refreshing start to the day, it was a stark reminder of how unfit I have become over the months. Content to let my body languish into a sedentary lifestyle.

I used to jog almost every other day. I miss that feeling of being part of the wind, feeling like I can run forever. It’s funny how the more you exercise the less tired you become.

Walk, don’t run.
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GiviNG uP (2)

I gave up writing. It took too much.
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a JeLLy-fiSH

Visible, invisible,
A fluctuating charm,
An amber-coloured amethyst
Inhabits it; your arm
Approches, and
It opens and
It closes;
You have meant
To catch it,
And it shrivels;
You abandon
Your intent -
It opens, and it
Closes and you
Reach for it -
The blue
Surrounding it
Grows cloudy, and
It floats away
From you.

(Marianne Moore)
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MAn of THe FoReST

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GiVinG uP

I gave up waiting. It took too long.
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gROwn Up

After all the ups and downs, I feel I’ve grown up. A lot. It’s interesting how certain events change the way we think about things, about the world, about life in general. The truths that we once thought were immutable can actually collapse just overnight. Life is not forever. Love, too, may not last forever. So yes, I must have grown up somewhere along the way.

Old, but yet not old.
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