At pLay

I spent the Sunday with my god-daughter, who’s 4+. We had lunch, watched Pinocchio on DVD, played, played some more, had dinner, and played even more. It’s quite nice to be around kids every now and again, they give me new perspective. From their wild abandon at play, to their constant inquisitiveness, the intensity with which they embrace life inspires me.

Yet all too soon, children grow up. And they lose their childlike wonder. So I pray that my god-daughter will always remember, to feel the world with her whole heart and mind and soul.

Feelings, they don’t lie.
.

bLue StaRFisH

(courtesy of a good friend on one of her diving trips)

.

i KNoW...

"That consciousness is everything and that all things begin with a thought. That we are responsible for our own fate, we reap what we sow, we get what we give, we pull in what we put out. I know these things for sure."

(Madonna)
.

sMeLL thE FLoweRs

In the frenzy of working, we often forget, that there are bigger things out there. Like taking the time to smell the flowers. Like making peace with ourselves. Like life.

Have you studied the curves and colours of the morning glory? Have you stilled your heart and mind to listen to the silence? Have you held a baby in your arms and marvel at how intricate life is?

Or else, die trying.
.

wORk

Work is beginning to get to me. The insular and nomadic lifestyle leaves me feeling out at sea. I could go by a day without speaking to a single person. And that, can be very lonely.

I suspect not having an actual office space to call my own exacerbates the situation. It’s almost as if there is no acknowledgement of my existence. And that, is scary.

Feeling blue, lost, and lonely. And that, may be a blessing in disguise.

For sometimes, we have to be lost to find ourselves.
.

cOme CeLEbRaTe

It is a rude awakening for me every morning. To know I am still alive. For what have I done yesterday to deserve another day, another chance?

Perhaps, it is not about deserving. It really only is about one thing. Living. And while we’re at it, we might as well make something of it.

I am not Nelson Mandela nor am I Barack Obama. While their decisions and actions effect some change in the physical world, I am burdened by my own mundane existence.

And we need to remember. To celebrate. Our selves.
.

tHe FiGHt

In the fight between me, myself and I, who gets the last laugh, I wonder…
.

cROwDs

People. Everywhere. In the trains. In the malls. In the open.

Sometimes I find it a little scary to go out, defeated by the throngs. It is as if the whole concept of personal space has to be re-defined. Or abandoned. Standing in the train with some stranger literally breathing down your neck. Jostling with everyone else to buy and pay. Wondering, where I can find the place to be myself.

People. Everywhere.

I am allergic to crowds.
.

woRdS In mY HeAD

Arcane
Bible
Chewy
Diaspora
Enlighten
Flail
Glandular
Hope
Initiate
Jalapeño
King
Lancet
Mummy
Nuance
Octogenarian
Plush
Quagmire
Rigid
Serendipity
Thong
Undulate
Visions
Wistful
X marks the spot
Yarrow
Zest
.

cAtChiNG Up

Sometimes, I feel as if I am unable to catch up with the world around me. Things are happening at such breakneck speed that by the time I have digested a piece of news, many nuggets of information would have passed me by. Like how I feel overwhelmed every time I log into Facebook. Or how inundated I am with updates of this, that, and the other when I access my emails.

I don’t read magazines. I hardly touch newspapers nowadays. I am not active on Facebook, or LinkedIn, or MySpace, or any of the social networking sites. Which makes me wonder, how do I get by my daily life? I don’t have an answer to that actually.

Maybe, just maybe, I enjoy the vagaries of life too much.
.

ThoUGhT

Sleepy… but here’s a thought, courtesy of a friend.

Why does a thought appear?
.

ShiP's RudDeR

I’ve been feeling a little out of sorts lately. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. Just a general sense of malaise.

It’s not that everything that can go wrong has gone wrong. It’s more of things aren’t even happening. And I’m feeling… lost.

Where once I had a good grasp of what I wanted out of life and clear paths to walk on, now my plans are derailed and I’m just floating along directionless.

A ship without its rudder cannot sail far.
.

MisSed OpPoRTuniTieS

I attended a cousin’s wedding some weeks back. Like all weddings, well-wishes came from all quarters for a fruitful and happy family life.

About 2 weekends ago, one of my good friends gave birth to her first-born son. Who is a little prince charming in his own right. And just last week, another good friend’s son turned two.

I am at the age where my friends are getting married, settling down, building their own families. A trying yet seemingly rewarding time. Life-changing, as I hear some of them say.

Her two handsome boys who call me “Aunty” in delight when I go visiting. The pretty little darling who calls me “Godma” when she sees me. Children singing steals my heart away.

Sometimes, I wonder, about the family I may have, the family I would have had.

And I realise, I am jealous.
.

WhaT A wONdeRfuL WorLd

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I love you"

I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world

Yes, I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Oh yeah
.

My miNd

It is interesting how my mind works. Always regressing to the past. Always hung up on inconsequential details. Always caught in a maze of dissonant memories.

Always remembering.

The friendship we once shared. The jokes we once laughed at. The tears we once cried. The hugs we gave. The holding of hands. The way we were.

To forget is to let myself down.
.

SiLEncE

"Not merely an absence of noise, real silence begins when a reasonable being withdraws from the noise in order to find peace and order in his inner sanctuary."

(Peter Minard)
.

bROken ReCorD

Sometimes, my mind is like a broken record, replaying endlessly certain scenes in my life. Sometimes, I am willing party in indulging this little quirk. Sometimes, it is as if my mind has a mind of its own.

And as I watch my life play out in front of me, I start to feel a strange stirring of my heart. At times heavy, at times happy, at times undecided. Reminiscing can be a painful process. It can also be a liberating experience.

I guess her point is that I will be able to come to some realization about my self, who I am and what I stand for. I guess my point is that I don’t see a point.

Except this: I am such a broody two-shoes!
.

HabiTS

I am a person of routine. I guess I like things to be familiar, to be predictable, to be safe. This way, I avoid disappointments and heartaches.

Yet I also yearn for change, to be an agent of change. To be able to discover new things, new ways of doing things.

So while the rational me and the dreamer in me collides, I don’t think the world will miss me that much.

Old habits, die hard.
.

moOn & StARs

The moon is so bright tonight my eyes hurt looking at it. I wonder if it always shines with such brilliance, or working in a dark room for the last few weeks has made me extremely photo-sensitive.

I was star-gazing on my way home, trying to pick out the Southern Cross, when I noticed the great orb radiating light. Moonstruck, I might add.

wysiwyg
.

cAThaRSiS

Writing, is a very cathartic experience for me. And these days, I need all the cathartic moments I can gather. While I’m drowning in my own angst-ridden existential crises.

Like the proverbial fork-in-the-road, I have come to a T-junction in my life. And there I stand at the crossroads, not knowing what to do. Only knowing, perhaps, that I shouldn’t try to turn around and walk back where I came from.

It happens to me all the time. Every decision is fraught with a thousand other indecisions. And my mind argues itself into a corner. So I retreat quietly into my self, hoping for a long and restful slumber.

Which was when she told me, “You need to get out more often.”
.

tHaNK YoU

Thank you, again, for saving my life.
Thank you, for your stories.
Thank you.
.

OppOSinG foRcEs

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.
.

tRyiNg To

It’s been almost 3 years now. Time enough to recuperate. Time enough to let go. Time enough to move on.

But no, not really. The wounds are still raw. I am still nursing the cuts. Unable to get past the pain.

So I’m huddled over, leaning my head on my knees, trying.

And he asked me, “What happened?”
.

sInGINg

"A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song."

(Chinese Proverb)
.

dO yOu HEar?

You came to see me the other day
And I didn’t know what to say

I could feel the emotions inside me
Wanting, waiting, raging, to be free

Yet I couldn’t find the words
Nor courage to speak the words

So I sat, crying silent tears
A pain that no one hears
.

BeHinD tHe VeiL

I don’t know if you’ve ever had this experience. Of being in a state between sleeping and wakefulness. Like you are submerged underwater and everything is foggy. Sights and sounds are dulled. Things feel muffled. It’s difficult to move through this graying landscape. And a kind of tired lethargy sets in.

Sometimes I wonder, when will this veil lift?
.