a LeSsON leArNt

For all they say about change being the only constant, I learned otherwise...

That pain is a constant.

That pain is not personal.

That pain is life.

A simple lesson.  Yet most profound.

And I am humbled.

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hoLLoW

We were a hodgepodge group, wandering the three rooms aimlessly.  In the kitchen we fidgeted.  At the reception we milled.  By the boardroom we shuddered.  That confined space flared tempers, harshed words, lost selves.  Everywhere one turns, someone else is watching.  Watching you watching another watching me.  Watching for the familiar.  Watching for the unknown.  Watching in wonder.  Watching for dusk to cede to the moon.  Watching for dawn to bestow the sun.  Watching in doubt.

Eventually, it was the hollowness in their eyes that got to me.

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and,

when you come upon
the fluffiest white clouds you can see
please pluck a handful
just for me
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dEraiLeD

We talked about becoming derailed today.  About derailment as a temporary diversion.  About derailment as fertile ground for gaining new learning, new experiences.  About derailment as a means to an end.  Except in my world of black and white, moving forward and becoming derailed are mutually exclusive.

Once upon a time, I believed in utopia.  I believed in a perfect world inhabited by perfect beings achieving perfect things.  Except in my world of darkness and light, reality is often far removed from perfection.

I had many dreams growing up.  Fanciful ones like winning the Nobel Prize or becoming a farmer’s wife.  Realistic ones like going to college, earning my own keep, getting married.  I invested myself into every dream I could hope to achieve, found myself beaten down and derailed at many points.  As if for every step I take to move forward, I am forced to take two steps back.

“It’s just life”, I console myself.

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tHinKInG

Maybe, just maybe, this is not meant to be.

Sometimes, just sometimes, even I get weary of me.

They say, “Follow your dreams.”

They didn’t say where those dreams would lead me.

They tell me about one door closing and other doors opening.

They didn’t tell me so many doors would close on me.

I used to believe in love and life, laughter and dreams.

Now I see more dark skies than light, oppressive and mean.

All I wanted was to help others.

All I learned is that I don’t know how to help myself.

Reality is as reality goes.

Sobering, suffocating, stunning.

Just what life is.

just. life.

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uNTitLeD

I've thought about the why.  I don't know, and yet I know too much.

I've thought about the what.  That I, wield in my hands.

I've thought about the who.  Just me, myself, and I.

I've thought about the when.  In dark of night, light of day.

But
I've not been able to think about the where.
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yOU sAiD, i SAid

"You looked as if you didn't need anyone," you said.

"But those are the ones who need the most," I said.  "Don't you know that?"

"I do now," you said.  "Too late."

"Never too late to know something," I said.
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RunNiNG oUt

of time.
Without reason, much less rhyme.

Just running out
of time.
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so cOMe

He will come.  Sooner rather than later.

And this time.  When he comes.

I will embrace him with open arms.

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a LoNE

Some people become better people through trials and tribulations.  Some people become lesser people through pain and suffering.  Some people exhibit a strength of character that is awesome to witness and heartrending to watch.  Sometimes their single-minded determination to fight (or die trying) moves me; yet most times their unwillingness to give up (and never say die) scares me.

It scares me because once the veil has been lifted, the clarity is blinding.  It scares me how small one can become, how crippled one can be.

It reminds me how the self is a lone.

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fOR m & D

"What cannot be said, will get wept."

(Sappho)
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sTreNgTH

"If you're strong enough to take that blade and draw it across your skin.

If you're strong enough to take those pills and swallow them when no one's home.

If you're strong enough to tie that rope and hang it from the ceiling fan.

If you're strong enough to jump off that bridge, my friend.

You are strong enough, to live."

(Iain S. Thomas)
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diSpeNSabLe

My director likes to tell everyone in the lab to write “how-to” guides.  His concern is that if anyone was to get hit by a car, someone else can easily step in, take over, and maintain continuity of the research projects.  While somewhat macabre, I see his point.

Thing is, no one is truly indispensable.  Anyone could get hit by a car any time and the world would continue to go on.  We may think we are, or someone close to us is, indispensable.  But that is because our minds are incapable of conceptualizing a time and space without us, without that significant other.  Yet when we die, life goes on for everyone else.  Time goes on.  Work goes on.  Perhaps with some adjustments, minor or otherwise, that accounts for the fact of your absence.  As things fall apart, so things go on.

My heart aches for the camel who broke his back on the last straw.

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